When I started writing this series of blogs, my original thought was I would write one a day. In reality it has been difficult to go to the hard place of grief every day. In fact I have noticed that in the past few days things that would normally bring me to tears haven’t. I am not sure why. Have I hardened my heart to all the good-byes, has good-bye now become routine to me, have I shed all the tears I can? After spending so many days feeling as if I would lose control of every emotion I possess, right now I almost feel emotionless. I say this recognizing, that people have such a wide spectrum of how much emotion they feel. For myself, highly emotional, I am probably functioning where most of you live, in normal. It’s just a strange place for me to be. Anyway on to the things I will miss.
Yesterday, Christmas Day, we spent the day with the Krauss family and many others. We were so blessed by their hospitality. While at their house Patti and I talked just for a few minutes about grieving the idea of a forever home. I know I will have a forever home in heaven but I have recognized that there is this earthly longing in me to create or have this location that is always home here on earth. I feel that this move in particular has me feeling as if we are nomads, just roaming around the earth. I desire a place to call home. A place where we all return for holidays, for birthdays, and for special family moments. We will make Paris home but, for how long will it be home? Will be making home in a new location at some point? I am envious of our friends in Plymouth who have this forever home. As a newcomer to this community it was apparent very quickly to Tony and me that families are very established in Plymouth. So many of you are so blessed to have great-grandparents, grandparents, parents and your own family established in the same community. I crave that but yet it isn’t my reality.
Next on the list is my house. I love this house. My huge kitchen that just a few months ago was overflowing with stuff. The red wall that feels so warm. I am going to miss the memories that go with this house. This is the house that we brought Hannah home to. It is the place where little Hannah took her first steps. It is the place where both girls curled up in their daddy’s lap asked Jesus into their hearts. I will miss January snow days, when we would all crawl out of bed, sludge out into the snow and cold, and shovel the freshly fallen 15” of snow (girls “helping” with their own little red shovel) and then come in to have hot chocolate and watch movies.
Finally, on the list for today is our neighborhood and our community. Small town living can lull you into such a sense of comfort. This comfort can be such a beautiful thing. I will miss knowing all my neighbors. I will miss walking to work and waving half a dozen people as I walk the 5 blocks to downtown Plymouth. I will miss neighborhood parties. I will miss our neighborhood school and how I know each kid in the girl’s classes, because I met them in 4K. I will miss The Exchange Bank, and Leon, as my mocha was frequently ready before I even got to the counter. I will miss all the conversations that took place at the high top tables and all the prayers that were lifted up in the “war room” at the Exchange Bank. I will miss seeing the “leg lamp” (think the movie Christmas Story) that was placed in the window of the blue house on Fairview every year after Thanksgiving. Who are those people? I think we would be friends I like their sense of humor!
I guess what it comes down to is I will miss what has become comfortable and familiar. I will miss feeling at home. I will miss that life can be automatic here. I know what to expect and when to expect it. I will miss feeling “safe” because there are rarely any surprises. We are on to a world of unfamiliar, uncertain, and I am sure full of surprises. How long until it will feel like home?